I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
