oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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