there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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