I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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