Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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