The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
