if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
