The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
