I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
