So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
