Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You're like the curious george of whores
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
