You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
