my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
