I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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