why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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