They should really pass out barf bags in church
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
