I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Sober January is a disaster.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
