I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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