Ambien. No doubt about it.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
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He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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