I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
