Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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