Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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