I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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