i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
