I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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