Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
