god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
