If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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