That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
