Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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