Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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