They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
