Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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