I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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