Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
