I hate all girls vehemently.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
