Ambien. No doubt about it.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
