sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
