My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
