After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
