There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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