Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
