Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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