He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
