i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
