"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
