she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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