I accidentally had phone sex last night
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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