There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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