Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
