this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
