That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
