my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
