I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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