Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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