My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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