so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
