Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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