Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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